Sunday, October 28, 2007

Sometimes Things We Like Include Hating

And today, the something we like to hate on is "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee" on the Food Network.

With a name reminiscent of a persona who was the inspiration of a Grease song (with such classic lines as "Keep your filthy paws - off my silky drawers!" and "Elvis! Elvis! Keep that pelvis far from me!"), you'd think Sandra Lee would be more along the lines of an Olivia Newton John circa John Travolta and the Pink Ladies rather than ONJ circa the spandex tights and roller skates of XANADU.

Basically, Ms. Lee is a trainwreck that you just can't turn away from. She has a strange, affected southern accent, even though she is apparently from Wisconsin. Now, I've never been to Wisconsin, and I'm sure it's a lovely place, but do people from the upper midwest speak with a drawl? Plus, she lives in California now. I don't know why that is relevant, but I thought I would just throw that in there.

The basis for her show? 70% store bought + 30% homemade. Now how did she get these percentages? When you buy caeser salad dressing and blend in some roasted garlic cloves, I don't really know if that splits into 70/30.

EVERY meal includes her favorite "Cocktail Time," where she teaches you how to make a cocktail that both goes with her theme of the day, and matches her second favorite part of the show, "Tablescape." Today's liquor is called the "Golden Cadillac" and the tablescape? "Denim and Diamonds," aka "Jeans and Jewels" - which I think is pretty self-explanatory. I think she stole the theme I was going to use for my wedding! I was thinking about having the reception in a barn, hay and all, and wearing a short jean skirt with some lace and tulle attached for a tail for my getaway outfit. I'll wear white patent cowboy boots and my veil will be ribboned and bejeweled to my white cowboy hat. We'll have diamonds (Plastic ones. I write a blog, and go to school. Do I sound like I'm made of money?) everywhere! Hanging from the rafters, glued to the backs of the chairs, maybe a couple dozen attached to my boots, to distract from my low cut, sweetheart neckline trimmed with lace, bedazzled jean camisole. (Bedazzler! Do they still sell that on tv? I need to investigate.) Sounds kind of brilliant, doesn't it? Oh yeeeeaaaahhh.

Oh, wait, y'all. I just spent so much time seriously contemplating what a "Denim and Diamonds" themed wedding would be like that now Paula Deen is on. I love her (No, seriously. She's the best. I want to be her when I'm older and have children to embarass.) because she her favorite ingredient is the main essential to life: butter.

Now if Sandra Lee would just pick a favorite ingredient, that didn't include alcohol, possibly something equally classy, like heavy cream or beef, maybe she could up her likeability rating just a tad. That's right, a tad.

This is what happens to the blog when ~S~ goes away for the weekend.


shirley said...

Tee--I, too, hate on Sandra Lee. Among the top reasons are because her wardrobe has seemingly not changed since the 1980's and because she changes the decor in her kitchen to coordinate with each episode/theme/tablescape. This irritates me not only because it is incredibly hokey, but also because her show "semi-homemade" is premised on saving her viewers time--but seriously, what person who is trying to save time would ever change the decor in their kitchen so frequently. It just doesn't make sense.

tee said...

You are a wise woman, Shirley. I was so busy staring at her tablescape that I didn't even notice her kitchen decor matched! Denim on the walls! Crystal beads spilling out of cups! It's tacky, but in a delicious sort of way, no? It's like going to a theme park that exploded!